What is wrong with you? (April 27, 2022)

Hey y’all. I really do want to thank you all for reading what you can of what I blog. These pages are hard for me to walk back through sometimes. My brain man, it’s just all over the place, all the time. Much like a stereogram, you have to look past all the white noise of facts to get to the real me. The person who just likes to help others, maybe sing you a song. Being there for others during hard times, though seeing others in pain is not something I am comfortable with at all, I love to be the one who remembers the happy memories. I have always just wanted to lighten the mood and change the group’s perspective, show them that there is always a silver lining. 

Here are some facts on ASD:

Social communication/interaction behaviors may include: 

  • Making little or inconsistent eye contact 
  • Having a tendency not to look at or listen to people 
  • Rarely sharing enjoyment of objects or activities by pointing at or showing things to others 
  • Failing to, or being slow to, respond to someone calling their name or to other verbal attempts to gain attention 
  • Having difficulties with the back and forth of conversation 
  • Often talking at length about a favorite subject without noticing that others are not interested or without giving others a chance to respond 
  • Having facial expressions, movements, and gestures that do not match what is being said 
  • Having an unusual tone of voice that may sound sing-song or flat and robot-like 
  • Having trouble understanding another person’s point of view or being unable to predict or understand other people’s actions 

Restrictive/repetitive behaviors may include: 

  • Repeating certain behaviors or having unusual behaviors, such as repeating words or phrases (a behavior called echolalia) 
  • Having a lasting intense interest in certain topics, such as numbers, details, or facts 
  • Having overly focused interests, such as with moving objects or with parts of objects 
  • Getting upset by slight changes in a routine 
  • Being more sensitive or less sensitive than other people to sensory input, such as light, noise, clothing, or temperature

“Autism Spectrum Disorder.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2019, https://infocenter.nimh.nih.gov/nimh/product/Autism-Spectrum-Disorder/19-MH-8084?sortBy=. 

I understand that my brain runs in circles around a person, topic, fact, OR just about anything else that sparks my love of learning anthropological facts. These topics will take you on a linier trip no one actually asked for, again. Filled with analogies like this,

“Anyone but me is actually standing in a nightclub restroom line having a conversation with a room full of strangers and I am a “copy of myself” talking to my only friend about my life since the last time I saw them, or at least what I am dealing with at the present time, that I need to sort out to ‘let go’ of the reason for finding the why.” 

Austin Smith — My response #232 to, “but I see you at parties, smiling, having fun!”

This is my socialization. A statistical fact finding treasure hunt with my friends. I communicate my issue and ask them about their personal experiences. Then research the crap out of what we talked about by reading scientific studies and journals written on the topic. What you get in a social setting is completely different.

A delicately tempered version of myself that you accepted little by little; until one day I was too much “of myself” that you snapped. OF COURSE I brought the same level of energy out of the pit of my soul because I was raised don’t let anyone call you out by name when they don’t know you; also a symptom of ASD. So I stopped being my high functioning self around you or isolated completely. I live in a world where the color of my skin and the lack of height requirement at the academy puts me at a disadvantage with law enforcement. I am not allowed to use my billowing singing voice to out-talk you in an argument because 9/10 males and females think hitting me like we are in kindergarten is going to give them the satisfaction they crave. 

Bitch I will gladly go to jail over someone who messes with kids and definitely prison if you mess with my kids. You want to be disrespectful and go toe to toe, then get froggy. I will be forced to use my police academy training to detain you until the police arrive, Citizen’s arrest; dumbass. Your ignorant hate filled opinion is not worth my freedom. I will have witnesses, I will have been the sober one and yes you look stupid.

Or we can agree to disagree and I will still share a slice of my homemade gluten free pizza with you and I will most definitely come off needy. Truth is, I am not. I am just trying desperately to fill this small void of “outside peopling” that my brain craves. I try to tie all that time up with volunteering for anything in our community that supports the youth, homeless or elder because (say it with me) they don’t share the same social ideologies as my generation. 

I know how it feels to be treated as if you should just disappear with my self-diagnosed autistic brain and I notice everyone, so when it comes to homeless people, I acknowledge them after watching them for a minute to make sure we are both in a safe space. I will always love me some old people. They experienced our true history, regionally of course, and their stories fill my heart with hope that we don’t lose traditions that helped us survive when we had to do it all with our own hands.

“I wholeheartedly agree in seeing past faults in others, usually deep rooted in some sort of trauma, because those who are respectful and blunt about their position in life are people worth having in your life. I was taught by old people to fix something when it breaks and to hate pedophiles and racist. Homeless people taught me there is most definitely kindness within a community and that there is more to life than just going with the flow of capitalism. I am mainly friends with other moms & dads trying to cope with their trauma and not create new ones for their children.” 

My Tribe — Austin Smith

It’s the assholes who just can’t give anyone else a break. Let’s recap, Assholes: *A Theory” chapter 5. Bishop talks about the bitch at any event whose level of entitlement stinks more than her dude’s cologne. How a small show of respect will be given when they are outed for lurking in the background doing shady things. An asshole on the other hand, will never admit any fault to the person they offended and continue to do everything out in the open, disrespectfully of course. To tie up this crazy knot called “Austin unmedicated” together as if the pattern was always a circle not just a string, these “SQUIRREL!” tendencies that suggest ADHD don’t help my self-diagnosed autistic brain. The good ole ADHD or #80HD is defined by NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) as,

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. People with ADHD experience an ongoing pattern of the following types of symptoms:

  • Inattention means a person may have difficulty staying on task, sustaining focus, and staying organized, and these problems are not due to defiance or lack of comprehension.
  • Hyperactivity means a person may seem to move about constantly, including in situations when it is not appropriate, or excessively fidgets, taps, or talks. In adults, hyperactivity may mean extreme restlessness or talking too much.
  • Impulsivity means a person may act without thinking or have difficulty with self-control. Impulsivity could also include a desire for immediate rewards or the inability to delay gratification. An impulsive person may interrupt others or make important decisions without considering long-term consequences.

“Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Sept. 2021, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd. 

Those are my thoughts on what is wrong with me hanging out with the “outside people.” These are my mental moments, rushing through my head the last 4 days, forced to put myself in the vacuum of negativity: damn Ableist. These aren’t other people’s voices billowing information around in my head, learned facts. These aren’t ghosts telling me what to do; Bro, they are boxes. An internalized info dumping process I have done as long as I can remember. NIHM states,

Many people experience some inattention, unfocused motor activity, and impulsivity, but for people with ADHD, these behaviors:

  • are more severe
  • occur more often
  • interfere with or reduce the quality of how they function socially, at school, or in a job

“Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Sept. 2021, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd. 

NIMH recommends the following for adults with ADHD,

  • Keeping routines.
  • Making lists for different tasks and activities.
  • Using a calendar for scheduling events.
  • Using reminder notes.
  • Assigning a special place for keys, bills, and paperwork.
  • Breaking down large tasks into more manageable, smaller steps so that completing each part of the task provides a sense of accomplishment.

“Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Sept. 2021, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd. 

Compartmentalized and highly organized by “THE DAY I FUCKING READ and/or EXPERIENCED IT, PERONSALLY” filing system. My process is just backwards. You have to give me a minute to take myself back to that moment and I can tell you what the hell you were wearing. This combo of nuerospicy has my world boggled with my healthier physical state and my mental health no longer running on fumes. The less anxiety these days mixed with more energy I seem to have, the less capable I am at staying on task or responsible for my own routines. 

“If you surround yourself with nothing but like-minded individuals and a skewed perspective, your experience will be minimal. That life of yours will never have growth. Therefore, minimizing your impact on your own chapter in history. These are your personality flaws, and I am the last person on this floating rock who would take part in marginalizing a group of people.”

Why I don’t try to put every asshole/bitch in their place

I have accommodations in my life that assist me to stay on task with all of the items listed above. I have life hacks I sell (www.justrantalready.com until June 2022 yall) to help others like me who struggle with the D.O.S.E’s (Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, Endorphins) we need to maintain a balance; usually therapy and options to medicate are standard. Isolation, self-destructive behaviors, low self-esteem and self-worth are all adult issues I now have due to the lack of accommodations I never received. Asking nicely or screaming it from the top of my lungs, I have only just been pushed to the side and ignored. One day it clicked, “This is not my people” and since then I have been searching. 

Another bad analogy, like when you’re car shopping and want to see what it looks like in person but you can’t seem to find someone who drives one – then you buy one and everywhere you look it’s all you see, or is that just me these days? My brain recognizes patterns much faster and more efficiently than atypical brains do. Impulsivity and organization go hand in hand with this one. The frustration goes both ways my dude. You can’t see the pattern and my brain is lapping yours trying to show it to you; admire this because there is no need to be intimidated. Unless you want to punch the ATM for doing it job too, then WE got problems.

Don’t get me started on spoon theory. 

On to the next one…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Start a Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: