What the F? (August 10, 2022)

Its hard for me to write about — let alone see it coming towards me — or how “awkward” is my middle name. I don’t know if the space I am taking up is the necessary space for the job. The one thing I know is, I have a job to do and multiple tools to get it done, or I wouldn’t be here. Some have the tendency to go above and beyond of an example why I am allowed to pick my clients. Not everyone needs to be walked through tough times in their life — then their are neurodivergent #audhd #adhd #actuallyautistic who can’t see themselves doing it ever, alone.

When the world hands you lemons, borrow an arm and throw them the fuck back! Who has the right to piss on your snowcone? When do you call it quits — when another human being who doesn’t seem to see their own toxic behavior is seeping out of their fake persona? Do you just quietly bow out and try to move on with your life? Do you avoid the air this person breaths to avoid any form of conversation you’ve been trapped in multiple times and now you just feel like someones Momma? Well, sit on down and get comfy because even if you don’t own your own business — 70% of people can relate` to this weeks topic; Imposter Syndrome.

“Impostor syndrome can affect anyone, from a first-year college student to the most successful CEO, regardless of job or social status. Still, typically high-achieving individuals are more often experiencing this. Simply put, the imposter syndrome is feeling like a phony. One could feel as though at any moment one is going to be found out as a fraud – that one doesn’t belong where they are, and they only got there through dumb luck. Many people experience symptoms for a short time, such as entering a new role; but, for others, the experience can be lifelong.”

(Frothingham, 2021)

My business plan has always been, “Get in, do the job beyond their expectations and teach them to do it for themselves so you don’t have to come back.” As you can see my vision of a happy life and capitalism do not go together. Running a business when you’re a naturally dismisive people pleaser who works better alone, can be more than someone like me wants to deal with due to Imposter Syndrome. Many overstimulating days in a row I have blamed on my #audhd symptoms, until I came across the article, “You’re Not a Fraud. Here’s How to Recognize and Overcome Imposter Syndrome” By Mia Belle Frothingham (2021).

Today’s blog is also a bit about acts of customer service within the mindset of someone with ADHD or me — an extensive case of Imposter Syndrome driven by #audhd. The majority of my interpersonal relationships started with a job opprotunity; usually one I gave away for free. Blame my hightened level of gang and drug dealing knowledge being raised in the birth town of one of California’s biggest gangs, “first one’s always free.” No jokes aside y’all, I was raised in a household where “do as I say, not as I do” was coupled with police training and christianity. By the age of 11 I understood the world needed more “human givers” than examples of what not to imulate as “human beings.”

In life we all face things that build our character; the core of how we see ourselves against societal norms. The taboo are considered “my people”, or more so, I am their people. Those willing to live freely, as they choose to be, with conviction — honest people living to learn from their mistakes, not reinact them. Though respect may be found, not all of these people are “good” or “bad” in my eyes. When you can calculate most of what a person has to offer you by the mear sight or story of their past, you are dismissing what is beneath the surface. The fact that I am “more than meets the eye” or “more than my emotions” plays a big part in my customer service agreement. Why you might never ask? People deserve a chance to prove you wrong and right.

Imposter Syndrome: Why does it happen & what to do about it? (Jan. 25, 2022)

We have all seen a few #karen #kevin lose it over (what seems to all of society) a “simple to fix” situation. Most of what I have had to endured ended in emotional militarized tactic used to get someone to give up hope things will ever “change.” Customer Service is supposed to be a small exchange of problem solving between two parties — everyone is supposed to walk away feeling as if a fair exchange was made. I spent more of my time pleasing others to keep the bare minimum of clients and it broke me. I gave more to my mission than I did myself, just like a perfectionist would.

When you look at “getting your foot in the door” as a transaction that takes so much out of me, you might understand why #audhd & Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) can discourage someone from following their purpose. Below is a breakdown of my hang ups with customer service and each of the types of Imposter Syndrome. Personally, my level of perfectionism has nothing to do with my work level of perfectionism. This is an attempt at “get it right the first time” on pure energy saver mode. I want to be as clear as needed to ensure you won’t need to ask me to repeat it again later.

The Perfectionist

Short temper assoicated with how I was reacted to as a child. This layer of my masking has slowly become a mantra: “there is beauty in broken things.” This ties into my “natural genius” type as well. Just because you view most of what I do as “pure dumb luck” does not mean I did not do the neccesary math to calculate my best first try for the last 25 years. My default choie has always been to observe — I just want to push myself to see if I can do it with the limited knowledge I already have; this is why customer service doesn’t always end well for me. They see something online similar to what I do and think its simple “click and drag” actions.

When my client have issues communicating, overstimulation is inevitable. When my client isn’t as invested into the project as I am, understimulation is inevitable. The fit must be symbionic, criteria that “needs to be met on both ends before the work can be done,” is as instrumental part of my “tool kit” as a pair of safety glasses to a handsaw or a comfy chair to my laptop. You are paying for the process that gets me to your level of satisfaction — not the other way around — me being comfortable should be as important tool as the color scheme you’ve chosen because I am a rental compared to a permenant piece in your daily routine at $25 an hour. HELL NO am I that cheap at fullthrottle #IRL24/7.

The Superhero

I wear this badge with honor smeared in a heavy dose of burnout to wash it down because this is who gets me the gigs I need to continue to work. The ability to teach other’s my life hacks to my #audhd is amazing feeling. The hat’s this type wears is easily labeled as “useful” in society today. Being a mama bear, my emotional dyregulation becomes problematic in fight, flight or freeze. This is the caregiver, the protector, the Knight in shining armor ready to take down an army for the “little guy.” My social justice warrior takes presidence over the soloist type.

I am fearful of becoming known for my emotional rants than for my singing. I use public singing as a tool to get over my lack of self acceptance. Years of traumatic experiences at the hands of people having a bad day and choosing me as their snapping point because I process differently. I have an issue with meeting people at their emotional level in the momment instead of their age at the time. Just as not all 2 year olds walk at their age, not all 40 year olds are emotionally mature for their age; no need to be an expert in their field but it does bring us to our next type, the expert.

The Expert

I will forever be a lifelong learner and feel this one leads into my “natural genius” type. I push myself to be adequate in most things because it is often hard for me to put photos running through my head into words. I fear my education is just mear photogenic memory or mimicked behaviors. That others could just read the same books as I have, the notes I have written and categorized and do it for themselves. Most won’t, that’s why I have a business.

The lack of any agency in my area having an advocate for someone who is not formally diagnosed with #audhd doesn’t erase the need for the services. I find myself more compatable with people who have the patience to warm up to me. In my personal journey I have been able to bypass most of what atypicals would try simply because of the rolidex of failed attempts I eventually got right and can recall as if it is happening now. At least everything relevant to recreating the incident others want to happen again. I have actually spent more time avoiding something reaccurring and stay out of natures way.

This one hits home because I am pretty good at “INSERT ABLEIST REMARK HERE.” I seriously can produce lists of reason I believe my self-diagnosed #audhd is to blame now because “you’re weird!” didn’t quiet cut it when I was a kid. I need a false sense of freedom in a controlled enviroment to get the results atypical want but drive other #audhd creatives crazy, which I can only contribute to the next type, the natural. A position I was dragged for as a child, on the playground or in the classroom. Hardest part was when staff has no proof you cheated, but discipline you as they can; fuck you Mr. Delano.

The Natural Genius

I don’t strive for perfection because that is a “grey” area concept; progress and progression are my highest goals. Will this process get to me to my end objective? Do I need outside resources to complete this project? Just like any contractor would supply his toolbelt with the best, so do I. Mine just happens to be in the realm of paying attention to detail and advocacy.

I am here to help you through, over, under, or rebuild whatever is keeping you “stuck on pause” in your process. Most of the time, an outside approach to someone’s safe space — like their home or workspace. Small business’ are forced to be even more respectful of what we might come across as shameful to the client because we stick out on purpose to be picked out of a crowd. This is where my natural #audhd comes in handy. I don’t notice half of the things the world labels as “shameful” and when I do its because I do the same thing, alone like the soloist.

The Soloist

When taking in the consideration of others, I make a mental note to dissocate when in close quarts. Why you might never ask? I don’t want to over hear something that changes my perspective of someone based on a toxic trait. What is a toxic trait? Over endulgence leads to intitlement and eventually to a cheater. How do you know this trait is toxic? I pay enough attention to peoples patterns and usually keep myself from becoming a need in their routine of distruction. If I can’t “connect” with your needs I will not be able to assist to my full capabilities and this sends up red flags for my safety. I need to be able to process so that the situation can be handled in a more timely and efficient manner and this is why 6 hours for me will look like 2 on a timesheet.

Let’s breakdown the patterns I see most in the clients I choose to not work with. I cannot always place a person’s true intention for contacting me for work because I don’t always get a second sitdown with the client. Many can’t afford my worth or want the help because its an organizational process; I teach you so you don’t need me — Im not a maid, anymore. Sometime around my late 20’s I realized that I could not be as loyal to others as I was to my own family. As a personal assistant, you got the same loyalties as my children — I’d drop everything to keep a client happy; sacrificing my own happiness for someone else at half your worth is a great way to break the rest of the way down.

Cutting this level of loyalty pissed a lot of people off, why would you not ask? Can you imagine being feed all day by someone else’s hand — then that hand getting a brain and realizing you’re just a leach? They don’t understand how I can read and coorelate patterns that allow myself the space to see if my level of probability for success or bust — again, my brain does this when I am not paying attention. The reason for a lengthy consult questionaire is to save us all some time. A concept easy enough for me to understand because I am sure I to needed that done for myself and I have a list of resources I kept, Yay #audhd.

First rule in Just Rant Already: “If I can’t help you, I will help you find somene who can.”

Mrs. Austin Smith

“Let my pain in the ass turned purpose bring you ‘happy happy joy joy;” what can I say, I love Demolition Man. Imagine that world mixed with that lifestyle now — If we could there would be no need for an HR or customer service employee training; “Enhance your calm John Spartan.” While self-employed in 2022, this goes deeper than “keeping my cool” for repeat customers; Burnout. Listen to the red flags that cross your boundaries and know that anyone is allowed to say “I do not think this is going to work out for the both of us.” Avoid the unnecessary.

If you can answer YES to any of these questions before terminating a contract/job position, you deserve better. These questions apply to everyone, boss to co-worker. Does this person resort to childlike behavior when confronted about any underlying meaning to their memo? Are they requesting unreasonable perameters to the project (or relationship)? Think “fairytale proportion” DIY home improvement with NO budget. As if everything is possible because it worked then?

Don’t let others dictate your day to day interactions with yourself. As a single cogs in the society, we have to responsibility for the reflection in the mirror and accountability for how we mirror those responses to others. Just as “hurt people, hurt people,” we have to remember that the way we precieve someone else in the mirror is never side by side to us. This level of communication is key and will help prepare you and the client for the long haul or a long jump off a short peer. Don’t forget the years of experience someone needs to have to be more than “pure luck” the first time; not everyone is along for the ride there.

On to the next one …

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