I don’t think I could play myself in a tv show.

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What?

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I mean, I think I would overact. Redo the parts I wish I could have, right after they happened. You know, the parts that “broke me” but remember the “hurt.”

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I don’t think I understand.

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You know, the barriers I helped move bricks for. The ones that bounce off my back, as I go back to what it was that had me distracted in the first place. Bricks being a metaphor for the typical things most people do.

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So what would be your purpose?

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Blown away more than once by something I’d seen a million times before, just never felt like I belonged behind the camera. The one that seems to bring life to a simple background drop, social cues to smile and wave.

Is it gonna be funny? Dry humor doesn’t always translate.

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Those memories I would load like a dream state. See what the world thought and throw them out if they didn’t feel what I felt, not everyone likes rainbows. That’s pretty much the best parts everyone wants to listen to while they do anything but watch. The quip and banter I don’t process while small talk is present.

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I am not sure where this conversation came from but now I am invested. Who would you pick to play you then? Some hot mom type? Or the girl next door every virgin in high school wished for? Maybe the undercover bad girl who changes her clothes in the bathroom? The one’s with water bottles filled with something clear.

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None of those. I just could never get the backstory right. I would create the universe swirling in my mind. A place we all belong, have what we need, and only fight in 27 minute increments. Always the same villain. Chipping away until we are best friends. Season Finale always end with them finding the common super villain, plotting the whole time. The final stand, then an update movie to show were else they’ve been. Add the origin stories to draw you in. Give you hope that though the world around is confusing and contradicting; the end result is a hug and learned life lesson from a new friend.

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Not really answering the question at hand. Who’d play the you in this fantasy film?

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It couldn’t be the girl you expected, maybe calm and collected. Almost as if theirs a narrative voice in POV you never really get to see. Just glimpses of what others loved most. A set of eyes in a review mirror. Staring at you over the brim of a pair of big sunglasses. Eyebrow tilted so slightly. So you know she’s serious. Always a ghost in someone else’s story. The girl who was just always there, somewhere. Who saw it all from the fourth perspective, bonus commentary that killed if you stood to still. Equipped with enough information to MacGyver her way out.

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Well what is your worst fear then?

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I don’t know if I could pick just one. My only real example is wishing I could have been in a late night lifetime 90’s romcom version of sixteen candles, but only if the world wasn’t so rich and my boy friend wasn’t such a bitch …

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Well I am sure I can guess who’d direct it…

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Don’t get ahead of yourself cause this one gets complex. If M. Nigh Shyamalan and Adam Sandler had a baby who was coached by Tim Burton and Robin Williams. Age appropriate graphics from Quentin Tarantino. My leading man would have to be Channing as Tyler Gage, dancing in the rain. I think I might have an idea of who’d play me if that combination was birthed one day.

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I would rather know the when and where this would all take place…

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Ooo that’s a good one. I’d be the new female diagnostic doctor, like Bones with solving murders, brought in to change things up. He’d be the “stripped to pay my student loans, hard life on the wrong side of the tracks” bad boy with a big heart. 8 mile style. Always stood out and never backed down. but with a bad dad. I won’t want love, the hurt, distraction from my big plan. He becomes my best friend. In his hometown. 911 operator turns out to be my brother. Wait, I just plagiarized an episode of Rescue 911. Definitely not gonna be in Texas.

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Have you picked the actor playing you yet?

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I am at a loss for words, I know. I am shocked too. It would have to be a mix between J. Lo’s “Wedding Planner” and Sarah Jessica Parker’s Carrie in “Sex and the City.” A journey of self discovery. Plus, I always wanted a group of girls who could help me understand the world of men & independence. Then throw in a little Anne Hathaway “Princess Diaries” with the ending drenched in a “Devil wears Prada” vibe. I just can’t choose. They are all so good. It could never be autobiographical. Not enough Auli’i Cravalho’s in the world, yet.

written by Just Rant Already