A Forward for my Memoir (December 14, 2022)

Trigger Warning:

This one gets very personal about no contact with my father and a recent “reach out” he pulled on me due to his repeated behaviors. This is a personal piece and I hope that you can respect the approach I’ve taken at trying very hard to write a piece that could be cut in half and applied to many of you. This is a chance to take some space and write your own “No Contact War Cry” message. Even if all you’re going to do is burn it. Release the power you have given them by grieving this loss because your heart deserves to mourn. It deserves to free up that space still aching, may forever ache, but belongs to your sweet families and the special people in your lives that deserve that love, compassion, loyalty, and most of all, creative space.

Thank you again for all your support and I do hope you can feel how hard this one was to write, here I go:

I grieve those still walking this earth

My heart hurts

I wish them well but mean “just leave me alone.”

I don’t want to be the person they programmed me to be

No impulse control, puff out your chest & yell the loudest

I just want to be free

To be me, wonderful conflicted me

The me awkwardly stuck in a body I didn’t understand growing up

Confused and always asking why

Now, its just not okay to dismiss my diagnosis

Own up to the person you still are, accept it, write it down

Then tuck it in your back pocket or the one closest to your heart buddy, I don’t want it

Forgive yourself and move on

Live your life to the fullest, please don’t call me

I’ve asked you nicely more times than I want to admit

I quit

I wasn’t the child you wanted

Denied until the age of 13, stupid blood test

I reminded everyone else of you, what a disgrace

Put all your horrible insecurities in the mind of a child

No bigger pain than feelings or free accommodations

“You can’t uses a disabled kid as a pawn in your hustle. That’s morally wrong,” says the religious man

Free babysitters, one of many “Close friends,” crying about their problems to a teenager having “an identity crisis” cause I like girls.

I read that book cover to cover, it says “woman layth with woman” many times

I guess that’s a little specific, fuck it I am going with it:

You’ve done it again, ruined another woman, Congratulations.

I seen through your façade decades ago, really thought you’d changed

It’s because I heard about your transgressions two years ago

Just wish I could have missed this last one

I loved her, still do. Just cause you messed up doesn’t mean I have to lose her too.

You just can’t love anyone else more than yourself, you don’t deserve her.

I’ve hated myself for so many years

I didn’t achieve anything more than what you did

Had a bunch a kids, I love with all of my being

Starve for them because my heart is in it

All you’ve ever done is repeat what you witnessed

This is where I am different

I refuse to give up on my kids, I am healing and growing

I won’t let them down like you did me

I will take good that I have learned and make my own path

Go out in a blaze of glory

I am who I am and their is one thing I do need to thank you for

The example you are of what I can no longer stand up for

The boundaries built started on your side a long time ago

I can not go into my 40’s still wanting you to accept me

You won’t change for anyone but yourself

Even then you could still pretend this was your lesson to learn

But that was always a white lie you were telling yourself

I just hope one day you can be as happy as me and mine

Knowing I left this world better than when I found it.

written by Just Rant Already

Start a Blog at WordPress.com.

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