If I had to write you a letter, this is how it would go:

As I use this platform to catalog my journey, I tend to come across old paths of who I used to be. Those reminding me of the person I used to immolate. The person I became to hide what they didn’t like about me. Retreating into depression, anxiety and allowing triggers to force me from spaces I deserve to be in. I don’t always read the room and it used to get me into trouble.

Cowardly allowing others to attack me because I knew what they spewed from their mouth wasn’t true; hoping they’d feel better about themselves to stop being so mean. Forced to using the asshole behavior that controlled me when my reputation was threatened. Gaslighting others who would choose to lie on my name — even when faced with the same truths from others. You see, I wish I could forget the situations others have put me in. The person I became for them to feel safe because when those people have run out of sympathetic ears, they’d turn back on me.

When the threats of physical violence start to fly if I didn’t comply; better yet, spread their own version of what I said out of context. That is when I realized I was the problem. Making myself readily available to bullies so they wouldn’t bother another. What your brain can trick you into believing what love really is and nothing screamed healthy then. Like they say, drinking poison to hurt my enemy.

I am a passionate person, at my core, when asked for the truth but my filters were always cold, blunt and ultimately flawed. I didn’t understand how words could hurt until I was punched square in the nose for them, damn you second grade. A heavy weight I did not want again was then placed on me. I had to learn my lesson from books to be prepared and bowed out gracefully and used those words instead. Of course, in the most unhealthy way possible at the age of 10.

I was fighting a very visible monster 10 feet from my face. Society wanted me to be the puppet but without the messiness. I learned to be professional; find the needs of others to profit from. In the end got me nowhere, a bum in the eyes of him. I could never shake what he thought of me when he looked out at me; facial expressions always told a different story.

The world will do the same when you’re fighting for a seat at the table. A thick skin and quiet tongue is how you learn — not the other way around. I can and will not stand by while someone tries to drag me back to the scared little girl that just wanted to make friends. Escape the trauma and be happy all the time as I was in my own mind. Not just when someone said I was too kind for giving them everything I had as they asked for more; I gladly obliged every time. One day the world won’t look down on me as a freak or someone worth a poke at. One book at a time in my case, I plead you understand.

I truly hope you the best and If you can’t see that, you really didn’t know the real me at all. No one deserves to be forced to fake it to make it for 20 plus years to be treated like it was yesterday. I have always wanted to spread my version of love, give back to those less fortune and find the peace that matches my inner self. I just can’t live in the past anymore. That scary place took more than I’d like to admit.

To the lost souls I had to leave behind, please forgive me for doing what’s best for me in the end, you did.

written by Just Rant Already

No contact is a hard boundary set to protect your mental, emotional and/or physical health. My firsthand experiences have included those who choose to not take accountability for their repeated actions against me. Regardless of time between interactions. Most publications will associate this with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as quoted below:

No Contact

Definition:

In response to a friend/lover/family member/colleague with NPD, the survivor of emotional/psychological abuse may chose to go No Contact. What this means is essentially the survivor is choosing to protect themselves from further abuse by a psychological abuser (NPD or otherwise). The survivor blocks any communication between themselves and the abusive party via text/email/phone/social media/etc. NC (or Limited Contact if the abuser shares children with survivor) is utilized when the survivor decides to end the relationship with abusive party and protect oneself from further abuse. It is NOT designed to punish the abuser but is implemented in response to abuse by the NPD individual and to shield the survivor from further psychological assaults. (Carnes, 2015).

Carnes, P. P. (2015). Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, Incorporated.

Though not all instances in my life have been surrounded by healthy boundaries due to trauma, I try not to let that keep me from growth. I have expressed in more ways than one that belittling my disability is not the way to my “good side” (because if you haven’t already realized I mirror my needs the best I can through words and actions). I had to ask myself, “At what point in your life do you stop blaming others for the pain they choose to cause you due to their own faults and have to take responsibility for allowing it to continue?” Toxicity within these relationships started out small and as I grew to consume my purpose in life. I refuse to allow fear to keep me from apologizing and moving forward. Neither can take back what is done and I choose to wish you well and go the other way.