BMW (January 16, 2023)

Back to the storyline …

A quick detour to a runaway shelter, volunteer admission of course, gaining insight into the court process of emancipation and setting myself up to venture out on my own. 16, no job, no aspirations in life but getting through high school and setting boundaries. What boundaries? I had no clue. I just knew I was worth more than the bottom of your shoe. Oh, Grass Valley you taught me so much I can not say out loud what an intricate part you played in who I am today.

Fast forward to 18, pregnant, graduating and giving up all that was my ticket to somewhere else. Benjamin Matthew, the reason for my daily choices; be better in every way all while creating a bright new day. Those big doe eyes, that curious smile and the best worst decision I have made to date. Giving you a better life was my biggest goal at 19, still is. I can still remember dancing my life away knowing the rest of the world was going to chance; downhill was the next steps I didn’t see coming.

Damn drugs got in the way and I was gone. Living up to expectations, double major and certificates to boot. I had a plan, a dream and you. I worked so hard, so fast, so long and lost sight of why I started in the first place. The blame is on me, forever and a day, I can’t take back what the scenario looks like only make up for my choices and how they affected you still today.

No buts, not one good damn excuse. I dropped the ball, but first I had to let you go, falling alone was all I knew. Taking the easy way out because someone said I should. Undiagnosed mental health, taboo topic, finger pointing and an undying need to hold you close. To know today what I could have healed then, breaks the cold heart I had to have at that time to walk away and not one day forget about you.

Now 21, my son I love you so more now then you could ever know. I am proud of the man you have become, forging your own path and giving the life you were promised the biggest once over. Knowing we are here with open arms; an extension of a greater family unit that makes up your unique family tree. Adventurously full of wonder, I gladly blame it on your father figure. I am happy to see true smiles on your face when you spend time with your siblings.

I didn’t have that type of relationship until my 30’s expect my little sister and some old best friends. Please don’t forget to add on the new few. Aunties and Uncles you never knew but you’re always in their hearts. You are greatly loved, adored, admired and show courage above all else for never giving up on your daydreams. Venture out my son, live your best life and always remember you can restart at any age no matter what anyone tells you.

written by Just Rant Already

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