96039 (January 23, 2023)

I truly thought I found myself here. Gave myself space to be happy with who I was walking away from. Starting out yet again, a life I thought I wanted more and more each day. How wrong we can be when opportunities knock on an old door. Faced with many easily mistaken “Fuck No’s” met so many harder adulting decisions.

Attaching yourself to another narcissist can be a fairytale beginning wrapped in 15 years of hating yourself all over again. No big deal, right? Hating who you have become because you did it for the wrong people. Going back to school was the best decision I made in this zip code. Choosing to love myself more than those who hurt me was the cherry on the top.

If someone would have told me what was in store for me in 2004, I would have listened. I just know it would have taken me longer to get to the space I am today. Where I would have circled the same drain for 20 years? The truth is, probably. I would have easily filled that space I created by design thanks to a shitty childhood. Given the chance to be diagnosed, the system would still have forgotten me.

Self care is what saved me from my past selves. My twenties went as follows: The first one that gave in to the constant nagging. The next one who would give into anger; screaming and yell simple facts at ignorant people. Then came feeling like the constant downer so I’d stay less and less. Then abruptly on my own for months until bribed out of my safe space.

A decision I’d grow to regret more and more. Why did I feel the need to be helpful? Forced to deal with someone else’s demons; I broke. My thirties melted away into motherhood. Again, my life would change for the better; only my forties can tell a different tale.

written by Just Rant Already

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